"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things".
Most people are familiar with verses four to six, but it is seven that strikes me the hardest. The last phrase in particular. The Chinese translation is the best: "love never ceases". 愛是永不止息. It is much easier said than done because love never ceases - unconditionally. No requital, no acknowledgement, no nothing.
One of the many tough things love must endure, is nothingness. Especially with being a conversationally inert person, I deal with nothingness every day. I am just a minor character that barely stirs a thing in anyone's life. I should be a master at facing nothingness by now. Or so I thought.
There is one such person that I cared for dearly over the past year or two. For once I felt understood by someone, and that in return I could be more than a human backdrop. I was so moved. Now that I have had a taste of emotional attachment, I do not know how to live without it. This friend is extremely significant to me, although I am maybe not equally significant. A moon can revolve around the Earth, but the Earth still revolves around the sun..
Added on top of the nothingness are the flaws and not so innocent aspects I learned of this friend. Rather than turning away in disgust, it makes me even more determined to hold on. I cannot let go until I have steered my friend away from sin. From hell. If I cannot manage to be of help, I will have failed miserably. The prospect of hell.. will haunt me forever. It is unbearable. I starve hungerlessly and worry sleeplessly.
All that, and unable to communicate.
It is not like I am being ignored, but most people interpret my cursed unresponsiveness as a leave-me-alone. If only I were not so subdued in nature, I could quite simply mend this silence. But no. I am very subdued. I cause a lot of drama for myself and drown in anxiety instead.
What usually happens was my psychological ego defence mechanism steps in. Too much stress. Specifically, reaction formation, inverting an anxiety-inducing belief to its opposite. When it gets tough caring about someone.. I stop caring. And suddenly there is only a meager handful of people left that I care about. My love died. I am such a moron for giving up on people. Presently, I am faced with nothingness from this very dear friend of mine. Do I let this love die too?
Love endures all things. Love never ceases.
Why should it matter that I am lesser in someone's life? Why should I stop praying? Why should I stop caring? If I really cared then I would see it through. We still have six months left, and I am determined to make things right. Sow some seeds at least. Then I will be able to part ways confidently.
But until then, I must wade through the nothingness. It will hurt. It will drive me crazy. But if this truly is love then it will endure.
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